A sense of self

We all define ourselves in one way or the other. We likely have one definition we share with others, and then many definitions we keep to ourselves; too insecure or embarrassed to share.

For example, I define myself in part by my weight. Less so now than as a kid, but if I was to describe how I think of myself, my weight would come into it. If I woke up tomorrow and was even a pound over the ideal weight for my height, I am not sure I would be able to reconcile myself with my body. Yet at the same time I don't judge others for being chubby...this is part of who I am, it doesn't need to be part of who everyone is.

(and it is not like I don't eat...so please don't read into this that I diet to keep my weight! I just know that if I did start to pack on the pounds I would have great emotional difficulting with it even though I realize I would look better with another 20 pounds or so!)

I could just have easily come to identify myself as being tall, or having a big nose, but it was my weight people made a big deal about when I was a kid, and it was my weight that led to attention and nicknames, so it is my weight that has stuck with me as something that is "special" about me.

I do not think this is a good thing, and consciously I know that gaining weight would be a good thing...but it would be hard to loose something that I feel has defined me for my life.

I also like to think of myself as clever. I think this is a more positive trait, and one likely instilled in me mostly by my parents who encouraged thinking and logic. When I am out of my element, outclassed, or shut down by someone and I feel I am not able to be clever, I feel empty and frustrated. It is easy for me to become addicted to computer games that allow me to feel clever, like Sudoku or Scrabble (I am good at scrabble!). On the dark side of clever comes sarcasm though...I have tried to loose that side of it.

Growing up I also defined myself as someone who had to have a horse. Throughout school I worked hard to be able to have a horse, and I have not been horseless since I was 14 or 15 years old. For some reason this became an important thread in my life. In hindsight, not having a horse while in University may have been beneficial overall, but I could not do it. Having a horse gave me purpose, drive, and it was part of who I was.

So three different sides of how I define myself. One that I think is unhealthy, one that I think can be positive, and one that helps me focus.

All things that were somehow set when I was younger. I am adding new definitions to myself as I grow up, but I think the self I created as a child will remain with me for the most part.

Parents have a large responsibility in helping a child create a good sense of self, but we all contribute to someones sense of self whenever we make a big deal about something regarding someone else. The big deal can be positive or negative, it doesn't matter...if someone feels that is something that is unique or key about them, they will integrate it into their identity.

So when we make a big deal about a child not eating enough, they may decide that is part of their persona. Or if we laugh about how bad their math skills are, then they may relish the attention, and continue to be bad at math so that they can look for a repeat of that attention. Give them the label of bully without working to help them create a new, better label, then they will be the bully. It is important to find good identifiers and to stress those; hobbies, kindnesses, skills. Allow those things to define them.

One of the hardest things about growing old, has to be that you can start to loose the things that define you; your appearance changes, your mind slows, you retire.

No wonder men struggle against balding despite the fact that most women think bald can be sexy...men have to redefine what they think of how they should look.

Some medications that can save your life, can also change your image; make you gain or loose weight, slow your brain, or silence the voices. I can totally see how this would be hard to take. Do doctors help their patients redefine and adjust their sense of self?

If you take honest stock of how you define yourself, how much of that definition is healthy? Is it holding you back or causing you to make the same bad decisions over and over? Is it the same definition someone on the outside looking in would give you? Is there someone in your life you pick on about something? Can you see that maybe you are causing them to define themselves by that same trait?

I am working to redefine myself. I am taking stock and trying to do away with the unhealthy images that are holding me back, and to create a new sense of self that will impower me to get where I want to go. I need to loose my fear of failure that makes me reluctant to give the things that are important to me my best shot. I need to find peace with who I am and what I look like. I am not sure what the steps are to give yourself a core makeover, but life is good and it is time I gave myself a sense of self to go with who I am now, and who I could be if I just put myself out there that little bit more.

Karen