phobias

Apparently I have a phobia I didn't really know I had. I am not sure if it is a confinement phobia, or what exactly it is, but phobias aren't fun, and I never really understood them as well before.

I discovered my phobia while trying to get an MRI of my brain. Something that I need done, as as the health care system is so tiresome with waiting lists, we decided to go ahead and pay for it to get done. Not cheap, but hopefully worth it.

I was prepared for the "tunnel" and I don't think of myself as being overly claustrophobic (and they have a mirror positioned above you so can see behind you), and I didn't think the noises would get to me, so I wasn't overly worried.

The technician was great, and after about 5 minutes of questions, I was given a wrap around gown that could have covered 3 of me, and then led to the machine. It was more comfortable and less of a tunnel than I though, so I figured it would be a breeze. 22 minutes of getting to lay down and do nothing? No problem!

Once ear plugged and laying down, and suitably covered with a blanket, she lowered a helmet like thing over my head and wedged in some padding to help hold my head still. Still comfortable, and not as bad as I expected, so I was still feeling fine.

And of course you can't move once they start, so of course that is when you realize your nose/chin/forehead is itchy.

The first "scan" was short. 60-120 seconds, I don't remember exactly...and was just a solid jackhammering for the entire time. I am not sure why they bother with music head phones as the sounds are too loud to hear the music. After this was over I was still fine.

So on to phase two. This was to be a 5 minute scan. Started out with the jack hammering, but them progressed to "chunka chunka chunka, CLANK CLANK CLANK, chunka chunka, CLANK, CLANK, CLANK". And I started to get anxious. Then I wanted to swallow. I couldn't swallow. Then I felt nauseous...and still couldn't swallow. I could feel my heart rate climb, and even though I KNEW i was safe, I could not stop the over whelming feeling I WAS GOING TO DIE. I was shaking, sweaty and my skin was on fire. I could not convince my body to calm down.

Rational/shamtional, it didn't matter that people have this procedure regularly and survive, I could not talk my body down from this out of control panic and I am ashamed to admit I had to hit the panic button.

Did you know they can't just pick up where they left off? Fortunately they don't charge you for failing attempts either...because there is no way I could try again right away. I could hardly drive home I was such a nervous wreck!

But it opened my eyes to understanding panic attacks and phobia. it doesn't matter that you KNOW you will be ok, and can still think somewhat rationally, your body has other ideas and that is that.

Since that day, I have done some research, and I guess phobias are made worse/created by being allowed to flee a bad experience rather than resolve it...so it will just be worse next time. Great. But I think I narrowed down the root cause; I think it stems from when I was hurt in December and strapped to the back board/neck brace for so long my back began to spasm out of control and they wouldn't let me up nor give me much for pain medication (liquid children's tylenol) and I began to panic a bit then too.

So having my head locked in place for the MRI was likely a reminder, so even though I was in NO pain for the MRI, my body reacted like it was, and I couldn't convince it otherwise. Fascinating in a way....but not in a good way.

I figure I will help prepare for next time by eating chocolate while listenning to MRI sounds on Youtube and laying under the bed. Will it help? Maybe, maybe not, but sounds like a good excuse to stock up on chocolate!

Karen